name-dropping god to get out of speeding ticket
I've never gotten a speeding ticket, but if I ever do, I want to be honest with you. I'm going to name-drop God. Not just a little bit. I'm going to name-drop God so hard and so often in that conversation with the cop that God in heaven is going to stop playing Battleship with Peter and say, "Hold up, did someone just give me a shout-out? Is it the Grammys already?"
You probably don't think that's biblical, but then you probably also forget Philippians 4:13, which says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (NKJV). And since that verse clearly gives me the freedom to get out of a speeding ticket, I'm going to name-drop Christ, too. I'll go through the whole Trinity if that's what it takes to get out of the ticket.
You can, too, if you'd like. It's pretty easy. Here's what to say, depending on the circumstances, if you get pulled over:
After church on Sunday afternoon
"Why, hello officer. I was just coming from church, where we had some baptisms and prayed. There were baby dedications too. Did I mention that? Sweet little babies. Was I speeding?"
On Sunday night
"Hello, officer! My, where has the day gone? You start out with a church service, and helping people and singing songs to Jesus, and end up just getting so busy on the Sabbath that you end up speeding around. Was I going too fast? And is today technically the Sabbath? I always get confused about that."
On Thursday night at three in the morning
"Hello, officer. Beautiful night, isn't it? You certainly can see God's handiwork on nights like this, what with all the twinkling stars and the quiet whispers of the happy crickets in the tall grass. Reminds me of a retreat I went on one weekend after helping feed the homeless. Holy Spirit, communion, Jesus. Were you saying something about a ticket?"
Technically even if it's Thursday and you go to church on Sunday, you're "on your way to church." It's just going to take you three days to get there. If that police officer decides to interpret "on my way to church" to mean "I'm headed to church right now, so please don't impede my immediate progress to God's house ... " well, that's really just between you and the officer. Just don't give me a shout-out if you end up in jail for providing false information to the police. Save your one phone call for someone who's smart and won't tell you to name-drop the Alpha and Omega to get out of a speeding ticket. That's horrible advice. You don't want that guy handling your case.
Of course I should warn you that I wrote this book while living in the Bible Belt of America. My friend got pulled over doing 150 mph in a Porsche on his way to volunteer with high school students one Sunday morning in Atlanta. The cop screamed at him for a while, took a look at his volunteer T-shirt, and waved him on.
You probably don't think that's biblical, but then you probably also forget Philippians 4:13, which says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (NKJV). And since that verse clearly gives me the freedom to get out of a speeding ticket, I'm going to name-drop Christ, too. I'll go through the whole Trinity if that's what it takes to get out of the ticket.
You can, too, if you'd like. It's pretty easy. Here's what to say, depending on the circumstances, if you get pulled over:
After church on Sunday afternoon
"Why, hello officer. I was just coming from church, where we had some baptisms and prayed. There were baby dedications too. Did I mention that? Sweet little babies. Was I speeding?"
On Sunday night
"Hello, officer! My, where has the day gone? You start out with a church service, and helping people and singing songs to Jesus, and end up just getting so busy on the Sabbath that you end up speeding around. Was I going too fast? And is today technically the Sabbath? I always get confused about that."
On Thursday night at three in the morning
"Hello, officer. Beautiful night, isn't it? You certainly can see God's handiwork on nights like this, what with all the twinkling stars and the quiet whispers of the happy crickets in the tall grass. Reminds me of a retreat I went on one weekend after helping feed the homeless. Holy Spirit, communion, Jesus. Were you saying something about a ticket?"
Technically even if it's Thursday and you go to church on Sunday, you're "on your way to church." It's just going to take you three days to get there. If that police officer decides to interpret "on my way to church" to mean "I'm headed to church right now, so please don't impede my immediate progress to God's house ... " well, that's really just between you and the officer. Just don't give me a shout-out if you end up in jail for providing false information to the police. Save your one phone call for someone who's smart and won't tell you to name-drop the Alpha and Omega to get out of a speeding ticket. That's horrible advice. You don't want that guy handling your case.
Of course I should warn you that I wrote this book while living in the Bible Belt of America. My friend got pulled over doing 150 mph in a Porsche on his way to volunteer with high school students one Sunday morning in Atlanta. The cop screamed at him for a while, took a look at his volunteer T-shirt, and waved him on.