Christians are very protective of their holidays. Just try to write a Christian a note referring to the celebration of the birth of their Savior as “Xmas” and you’ll see what I mean. Or talk to their kids about Santa—chances are, by the time they can talk, they know that Santa’s not real and that “Jesus is the reason for the season.” One year though, someone tried to test that theory by giving my family an Elf on the Shelf. If you’re not familiar with that, it’s essentially a small elf doll that comes with a book. The book tells you that you’re supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. It’s magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular a few years ago and is probably continuing to sell well. But as I started to think about the whole “real meaning of Christmas” debate, and the “Is Santa bad?” discussion you’re almost required by law to have if you’re a Christian, I started to wonder about that elf. He was just sitting there, with a smug look on his face, perched on the fireplace mantel, hovering over our nativity scene on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa vs. Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene . . .
WISE MAN 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you?
ELF ON THE SHELF: Hi! I’m Elf on the Shelf.
WISE MAN 1: I can see that. It’s right there on your box. But what are you doing here?
ELF ON THE SHELF: I came to spread holiday cheer and tell people about the magic of Santa Claus.
WISE MAN 1: That sentence is wrong on so many levels, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, please help me understand what “holiday cheer” is. Is that some sort of glitter? Like pixie dust or giggle spray or elf razzle dazzle?
WISE MAN 2: Slow down, myrrh man. No need to get sarcastic.
WISE MAN 1: You stay out of this, gold guy, and don’t call me myrrh man. It’s “M&M.” No one even knows what myrrh is. My name sounds like some sort of aquatic creature. I knew I should have brought the gold. Everybody loves you. My gift is judged as slightly better than paprika or cinnamon. Awesome.
WISE MAN 3: Myrrh man, Christmas is not about the gifts we give. It’s first and foremost about the gift we received: Jesus Christ.
WISE MAN 1: I know, I know, frankincense fella. It’s just that you don’t understand the pressure I’m under with the myrrh reputation. At least your gift sounds like Frankenstein and is easy to remember. When people say my gift, they don’t even know where to finish the word. They always just kind of trail off and say myrrhhhhhhhh with, like, fourteen h’s. But this isn’t about me. This is about this punk elf.
ELF ON THE SHELF: Hi! I’m Elf on the Shelf.
WISE MAN 1: Here you go again. There’s no shelf in the nativity scene and therefore no elf. I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is, I’m wearing my traveling robes and won’t be able to tune you up myself. The bad news is, the shepherds are always up for a beat down.
SHEPHERD 1: What’s going on?
WISE MAN 1: This Peter Pan-looking doll over here is trying to distract us from the birth of Christ. He’s trying to steal some of baby Jesus’ thunder. SHEPHERD 2: Oh, really? Not on my watch. It’s on like Donkey Kong.
ELF ON THE SHELF: “On like Donkey Kong”? That sounds violent. Can’t we all just giggle and watch my delightful movie Elf, starring Hollywood’s Will Ferrell and that rapscallion James Caan?
SHEPHERD 3: People overestimate how clean and well-behaved we shepherds were back in the day. We were like longshoremen. Think of us less like caretakers of sheep and more like pastoral hooligans. We live under the stars and wrestle bears for fun. David was a shepherd, and he cut Goliath’s head off.
ELF ON THE SHELF: (Gulp.)
SHEPHERD 1: Don’t worry. We’re not going to do that to you. We are going to bounce you out of town like a super ball, though. Drummer boy, cue my theme song.
ELF ON THE SHELF: Wait! The drummer boy wasn’t at the birth of Christ either. Why isn’t he getting bum-rushed?
SHEPHERD 1: Because Jesus is funky and loves a good beat. Plus, every superhero needs a theme song.
WISE MAN 1: You’re a superhero now? When did that happen? I must have missed that in the Bible.
SHEPHERD 1: Easy Myrrh-lin, wizard of questionable gifts. According to the book of Matthew, you guys didn’t even make it to the manger. And at least you have a name. I’m just lumped in as a “shepherd.” I have no identity. I had to create my own—hence the theme song.
WISE MAN 1: Good grief!
ELF ON THE SHELF: That’s from A Charlie Brown Christmas!
SHEPHERD 1: You’re still here? Let’s do this thing.
(Elf beat down commences.)